Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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