how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
