I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
