i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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