Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
