i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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