he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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