things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
