I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
