Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
