My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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