I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
