U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
