Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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