having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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