I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
