oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
