Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
