A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
