I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
