Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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