I think I died a long time ago.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
