Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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