I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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