just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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