What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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