I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
