No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dick very happy bro
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
