Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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