Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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