her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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