dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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