I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
