Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
