don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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