There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
