were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
