You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
