I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I need moral support for this bender
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
