But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I just sharted jello shots
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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