I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
