it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
