I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
