I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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