I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize