I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
