You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
