Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
