yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
