and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
