Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
