Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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