You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
