omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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