im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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