I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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