you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i came on her dog
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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