if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
