I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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